British Pets

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The British, so it has always been said, are mad about animals. But now I fear we are just mad. In the last few weeks we have seen the accidental killing of 40 goldfish at a school in Glasgow described as a tragedy. Exactly the word used about a recent explosion at a factory in which nine people died. How are European neighbours, particularly those who shoot, then eat or stuff everything that moves, must laugh? A recent study showed that 60-70% of British pet owners spend more than £20 each year on Christmas and birthday presents for their furry or scaly friends. People in the north, which include Scotland, spend more than people in the south. On Christmas Day itself, four million people cook their pet a special meal, and by New Year's Day in Britain alone, £100 million will have been spent on feeding, clothing, grooming and spoiling. If money really does equal love, then British pets are extremely fortunate. Of course, the money could be better spent on starving children or cancer research, and it may seem a little strange to spend more money on your pet than on your elderly parent, which many people in Britain actually do when vets' fees are taken into account. But that's the British way. My daughter has a friend in Glasgow whose mother is spending thousands on giving a sick hamster a new stomach. The hamster is diabetic. I'd have had the thing put down. In my opinion, that would have been kind. But the other mother disagreed. That is her choice. However, hamster stomach transplants are not what I mean by mad. By mad, I mean the modern, deliberate misinformation about what animals really are. Take the website of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, designed for children, which includes the following statement. Chickens value their lives just as much as you value yours. Excuse me. Chickens value nothing, because their brains do not function in that way. Ah-ha, you may think, but that's just PETA, and they are extreme, if only this were so. It's fair enough, perhaps, for pet shops to ask questions to see whether you're a fit owner, but if you want to buy a pet from Harrods in London, you have to fill in an application form and answer questions about your working hours. Pretending that I wanted to buy a kitten there last year, I was left feeling as if I was trying to adopt a baby. Vets are now in the habit of routinely talking about animals in the same way as doctors talk about patients, and recommend that dogs are sent to special doggy psychologists or taken to swimming sessions in specially constructed pools. There is such a pool in Clydebank, which charges £15 for a 20-minute doggy swimming session. Start saving now. Last year, the Blue Cross, a reputable, long-established animal welfare charity, declared, ''We would like people to spare a thought for the hundreds of unwanted animals in our care that face Christmas alone.'' For goodness sake. Facing Christmas alone is something that elderly people may do, not dogs. It seems that these organisations are determined to fight for animal rights rather than animal protection until we have all lost the capacity to discriminate between a goldfish and a baby, with the fate of one equally as important as the fate of the other. We may all know this is mad, but it does not mean it will not happen. After all, if so many of us already buy our pets birthday and Christmas presents, we are already madder than we think.